Screw Geometry

A year and a half ago I had a kid who wore suits, ties, bow ties, suspenders and instead of carrying a back pack he carried a brief case.  My son wanted to go to UC Davis and study automotive engineering.  He was weird and aspie like and socially awkward and sometimes explosive.  This has been my boy.  Since he was in early elementary school my son has been awkward, different and filled with high expectations of himself and wanting me to help him reach his goals and aspirations.

Over the last year this young man was swallowed whole by mental illness. His hair is long and unkept looking, he wears messy clothes, wrinkled, maybe clean, maybe not.  He wants to direct films but his aspiration to go to college is gone.  It is too overwhelming to think about going to college.He doesn't think he can manage himself enough to aspire to a whole lot anymore. He has lost confidence in himself and any self drive or motivation is gone.  He was failing his geometry class and I have been pushing him to stick it out and I brought it up to his therapist who said to remember all that my son works through in a day, do I really want to push him through geometry right now?

It's a conflict inside me, I have known my son to want so much for himself, to push himself and when the mental illness kicked in it ate this part of him.  I don't know what my role is as mother...do I let the old child, the one I have fought for, helped, listened to his dreams, go.  Do I allow this new, unmotivated, messy, uninspired kid destroy some of my son's potential?  Is it the same kid?  If he had cancer, would I give up on his pre-cancer dreams for him or would I hold them aside until he got better and then help him get back on track?  How do I let go of who I knew my son to be and what I KNEW his goals and dreams were?

On the other hand, is it really worth it? Is geometry REALLY that important right now?  This kid is struggling with instantaneous mood swings-hard.  He is battling delusional thoughts and mild hallucinations.  He is socially awkward and the most horrible time in life to be socially awkward-adolescence.  He is trying to find reason to simply keep breathing right now. Who the hell cares about geometry right?  I mean, if he can get through this alive, can't he take geometry later?  If I am going back to law school in my mid 40's, can't he go to college later if he decides to do that?

The real fear here is that I am in the land of "I don't know".  I don't know how this will turn out, if my old son will return, even in part.  I don't know if he will be okay or if it will continue to get worse and the mental illness will eat more of my son.  I don't know how to reassure him or ease his fear of what is happening.  I don't know how to guide or parent him through his anger and confusion. I don't know how to help or how to stop it.  I don't know what to let go of, what to hold on to and what to fight for.  I don't know that he will make it through each day.  I don't know how to breathe without feeling so many different emotions crushing on my heart.  I don't know where to look for hope.  Screw geometry.  Just give me hope.