I have been debating whether or not to post about this and probably one should always er on the side of less ism ore but I tend to be the kind of person who wears my heart on my sleeve and I believe that honesty and raw truth can maybe offer others strength. So here is a real, raw post.
This is where autism mixed with bipolar has become a deadly mix for my son. As some may know, my son has been diagnosed many years ago on the autistic spectrum and recently has had bipolar I added to his tossed salad of brain disorders. His social awkwardness in adolescence mixed with the sudden mood changes, the inability for his brain to process the happy chemicals and then produce WAY too much at any given moment has put him in the psych hospital 4x's in the last six months. Sometimes he feels it just all is too hard for him to handle and he gets exhausted and confused and doesn't want to go on trying. Sometimes he feels like he is just too much of a burden. His reasons vary and his black and white thinking is intelligent and analytical but potentially fatal.
This weekend it happened again. For whatever reason his mood went somewhat dark. On a butt load of medication to control all of this, we have been able to bring our knives out of hiding based upon his promise to not try to kill himself or cut himself anymore. Friday night, he kept his promise and in them middle of the night when the anxiety and depression was beginning to swallow him he came and got me and I was able to distract him and get his mind on other things. Saturday night he did not keep his promise.
I was up in my bed, unable to sleep in the wee hours of the morning and I heard him get up. I stayed quiet, waiting to see if he was just getting water or if he was going to need me. I heard him go to the kitchen but did not hear water running, the refrigerator open nor did he come to get me. I got suspicious that he was either sleep walking, sneaking food or something innocent and easy to deal with. I quietly walked in to the kitchen to find him cutting his arms. In order to not shock him I quietly whispered requesting him to stop. He was so surprised I was up. I looked at his bleeding arms, he was cutting over his multiple scars and several knives were laying on the counter. I have learned to NOT get upset and to stay calm and steady. He was in so much darkness that this was his alternative. I asked him why he was doing this. He tried to evade my question, apologize, etc. His biggest fear is being taken back to the psych hospital so he was trying to tell me whatever I wanted to hear to avoid the ER.
Finally my son stopped lying and evading and told me that he was trying to find a knife sharp enough to go back to his room lay down in his bed and slit his throat. It was hard to breathe and I had to stay steady and non reactive. I cleaned his arms gently and told him that this was a violation of our promise. He could not remember making that promise. I asked him how he thought I would feel if I found my dead son in his bed. He said he had not thought of that. I asked him how I would be able to go on living if he had done this to himself. He said he had not thought of that. I asked him why he thought this was a choice he wanted to make and he said, "because I can't be good at anything like other people." My son thought that he had to make a choice now, in adolescence what he was going to be successful at, like other kids do and that everybody selected their careers right now and what he would be good at. He gave up on college because the medication is causing memory problems and he feels stupid now. He wanted to be a film director but he is not sure he can be good enough at that so then he felt worthless.
I told him that he did not need to decide what he was going to do for a career right now. He only needed to live to make many choices and try many careers. He looked at me like I had three heads. I asked if he knew that, that he did not need to decide right now and that he could change his mine several times in his life. He looked so innocently stunned and amazed and answered, "no, I did not know that." He sighed with relief. He sort of chuckled and said, "Oh my God, Mom. Thank yo. I did not know that. I feel so relieved."
My son could have died over a simple misunderstanding of life direction and autistic thinking mixed with screwed up brain chemistry. He began to sob for awhile. I couldn't tell if it was grief or relief but I didn't care. He renewed his promise to me to not allow the darkness to kill him. If he feels the darkness swallowing him he MUST come get me. The problem is that I know that he can only keep that promise when he is in his right mind. My son would NEVER hurt anyone else or anything else but when he gets out of his mind he hurts himself. He turns his fears, confusion and anger on himself. His brain can switch on him in an instant right now. His medication is not holding him and he feels constantly betrayed by his brain and thoughts. He's not sure what's real or what is a trick of the mind or a side effect of the medication. He struggles so much to make it through every day. I struggle with the fact that I can not watch him 24/7 and I never know when he is twisting things in his head. I can not protect him from his own brain. I know he is so scared and confused and all I can do is hide the knives, sleep lightly or not at all and pray that I will keep catching him in his darkness, that he will let me in just enough to keep him going and that somehow he will stabilize and we can get a manageable level on his biochemistry.
I know there are folks who struggle with autistic spectrum disorders, bipolar, mental illness, depression and more. I am so proud of my son for letting me stop him, for making it through another day. I pray that we can make it through today...with every breath. This is my raw example of how bipolar and autism are a suck mix and why I don't sleep much and twitch a bit with distraction right now. I hope it wasn't too hard to read if you made it through.
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