Feeling un prepared for such a question, I tried to laugh it off with a Big Bang Theory joke, "you can tell people you ARE crazy, your mother had you tested". He did not laugh.
He said, "All of this new stuff on mental illness you are doing, I'm not mentally ill am I?" My stomach tightened. How do I explain this to him? What do I say that he can hear?
Part of me wanted to just laugh and shout out, are you kidding me...do you think any of this is SANE??? I was pretty sure he would not laugh with me nor would he see my perspective on this.
I put my hand on his shoulder, which violates his no touching rule but in so doing showed him how important my statement would be. I needed to touch him for me, in order to feel my connection to him and to show him that I would not let him be alone in this new reality I was about to dish out for him. I looked him in the eye and said, "Yes, son, you have mental illness. You have a very serious form of mental illness."
I explained that there are many forms of mental illness such as depression or panic attacks and that some are acute and can be easily managed even cured but that his form of mental illness is not easily managed nor cured. I kept my hand on his shoulder and I said to him that we have learned to understand his autism and we can learn to understand his mental illness too. I reassured him that he is an amazing young man and is not defined by his autism anymore then he will be defined by his mental illness but he will always need to be aware of both and manage his challenges with good choices, a doctors help and support around him.
He said, "Oh. I didn't know." He searched my face deeper and asked, " Does this mean I'm insane? Am I crazy?"
I don't know how to deal with those words because they don't describe a person to me but they describe actions. I told him that there are times when he is manic or suicidal that I would call his behavior crazy. I also told him that his 13 year old sister can be crazy sometimes and I can get really crazy in my head so I don't know if the word can stick to him any stronger then it can stick to anyone else.
I dropped my arm, releasing him and told him that I was so sorry that he seems to have come into this world with a body more sensitive then most, with more intense challenges then so many. He agreed. I told him that this is just the way he was made and it is up to him how he deals with it but that he is a brilliant young man with great potential and when he learns to manage his autism and mental illness himself he will be unstoppable.
My stomach untwisted a little when I saw him breathe out a little and the tension in his face and eyes relaxed a little. I don't want to lie to him, ever. He is so intelligent and we have always been so honest and respectful of one another.
I never thought parenting would involve moments such as this or should I say I always hoped that parenting would never involve moments such as this, but here it was, a defining moment for my son. I, as his mother, the one person he trusts more then anyone else had to walk him gently into this new reality. I was not allowed to feel for myself at that moment, I was not allowed to escape or defer to someone else. I had to help him understand his obstacles and empower him to make a choice how to handle the truth. As always, he impressed me with his strength and honesty and his ability to question directly and to the heart.
I still want him to learn to laugh at my Big Bang joke reference though.
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