...and then there is "the sib"

There is a lot of focus on one of my children but part of our family dynamic must be turned to his sister.  She is the "sib" to autism and now the "sib" to bipolar.  She has many typical traits of a sibling to a person who struggles with autism.  She feels left out, pushed aside and resentful of all the attention her brother gets.  She feels her brother gets away with EVERYTHING and that everything in her world is unfair.

In her defense, my daughter has literally been pushed aside and out of harms way.  My big eyed tiny toddler of a daughter would try to get close to me for comfort when her brother used to rage and act scary and in order to keep her safe, I had to push her back and out of the way of flailing body parts as I restrained her brother.  We have moved several times to accommodate her brother's educational needs which has led to her switching schools, leaving friends, packing up and changing her home several times.  She has had her toys and treasured belongings destroyed by her brothers outbursts.  There have been many occasions where we have not attended special fun events or we have had to leave in haste as her brother exploded and embarrassed her as folks would watch us exit with a screaming freaked out child who looked like had been possessed by satan.

Even worse then some of these regular events in our lives is the fact that my daughter loves her brother dearly.  They have been best friends.  She taught him to play.  He would line his cars up in crop circle like patterns for hours and before she could speak, she would toddle over and grab him and he complied lovingly and innocently to her physical demands.  She put a tea cup in his hand and a stuffed animal and physically forced him to pretend to drink out of it.  They sat and gighled together, he because he thought it was so silly and she because her happiness to have him at her tea party.  They have walked hand in hand together through thick and thin.  Yet, her brother can turn on her for no reason whatsoever.  She touched him wrong, he became overwhelmed, he gets anxious and can not articulate it without violent explosive behavior.

This was the world of being sib to autism and now she is learning to walk the world of being sib to bipolar.  Every time she comes home she is not sure what she will walk in to, a manic brother, a suicidal brother, a belligerent brother or even the fear of walking in to a dead brother.   His dark moods make it nearly impossible to converse with him.  She wants to discuss her friends, school and the silly jokes they tell and he wants to discuss why humanity is stupid if he wants to converse at all.  She has said several times over the last year and a half, "I just want my brother back!"  She is afraid of him and for him.  Anything she says to him can be twisted by his brain and used against him or her.  The world is a crazy, chaotic and fragile place.

I am her one source of stability and she is seeing me stretched to my limits, exhausted, frazzled, praying, crying and trying to deal with my own fear and pain.  She does not understand why I need to parent him different, why I can't fix him, how did it all turn so bad so fast and why can't we stop it from getting worse.  She hates all of it and loves him and loves me.  She wishes she did not love him any  more because it is just too scary and hard.  She tries to hate him.  Sometimes she tries to hate me.

She has her own challenges with ADD and pediatric fibromyalgia and anxiety disorder.  She is 13 and moody and hormonal and struggling with the typical 13 year old crazies.  It is hard to focus when the world around you is swirling in chaos. Through all of this, she is one of the most beautiful girls I have ever seen.  She is loving and generous and will defend anyone with a "difference" and has been known to get up into a bullies face to defend other kids and leap to the aid of a special needs kid at every school she has attended.  She has a magical way with animals and children.  She is healing to others.  Some of these traits are gifts from her challenging family, some are just gifts from God to her.  I can not protect her from her brother or our chaotic life any more then I am already doing.  I try to show her love and support her positive activities to put action behind my pride and adoration of her.  It is never enough and I know that.  Since my babies came along, I have said that my son is the love of my life and my daughter is the light of my life and together they are the beats of my heart.

She will always be the sib to all the challenges her brother has and it is a heavy burden to bear.  Because she loves him, she will rise to the challenge and because I love her I will beam with pride for the light she shines on the world.  I know that the Higher Power put us together as a family for a reason, some believe we chose each other in heaven before we came, whatever it is, we were meant to be together through the pain, the love, the fear, the darkness and the light.  She is more beautiful because of my son.  his darkness makes her light shine so bright.