Well, it is time to leave another year behind. In so many ways this has been a year I do not want to forget. I have learned a lot this year. Top on my gratitude list for 2014 is that there was not one suicide attempt. My prayer is that those are a thing of the past. No mental hospitalizations and no 5150's. The family has found new hope and support through a church community that the children chose and feel very accepted and committed to be apart. We have had ups and downs and all arounds with each kid as the grow through adolescence. Overall I am extremely proud of my kids as they have grown, chosen to overcome obstacles by bravery, compassion and strength.
We now have Mickey, Lexi's service dog, with us and he is a spiritual appendage to my son that gives him strength he didn't know he had. Mickey makes all of us smile and when the intense storms blow through, Mickey intuitively hangs on and helps wherever he is able. He is a true member of our family. Up there near the top of my gratitude list! My son smiles on a regular bases now...I didn't know his face worked that way! What a beautiful smile he has!
Both kids have been successful at public high school. This has not been without some great life lessons for each of them but the biggest lesson is to keep showing up and get the work done. Isn't that a hard one for the grown ups as well. Knowing their struggles, my heart bursts with pride watching them persevere.
I have been told by some that I am different now. Taking stock on time and place I would have to agree. I started law school in 2011 and my son was young, mental illness had not triggered, my daughter was finishing 5th grade. I had a different perspective on life and my part in it. Today, I understand more about how little I can control and how strong I really am. I also have learned that most people, well intended, have opinions that they know very little about. Most opinions turn into judgments and those judgments are isolating and stigmatizing. My bruises from this realization are healing but I no longer dance around the straight up. Maya Angelo said that people will show you who they really are...believe them. I do.
I also have seen who I really am...believe me. I am loving, compassionate and enduring. My loyalty is direct and steadfast but my tolerance for misinformation, ignorance, judgments and stigmatization is gone. Allowing those things to befuddle me only is a waste of time and energy of which I have little to spare. I am more direct now and to the point. Whether others understand or not I know that I have hit places of pain I could never have imagined and kept breathing. I white knuckle hope and prayer that very few could ever understand sometimes making it one minute at a time, one day at a time and hold outs for a productive and healthy future for my children. I could never ever explain that to anyone and, for the most part, have stopped trying.
Somehow the resolve in it all keeps me going. The questions have faded, the shock has faded, the search for a fix or a cure has faded and the acceptance of faith gets me out of bed in the morning, keeps me breathing and gives me strength to weather the storms, the good days and the future.
2015 holds challenges ahead. I will keep praying that my son's mental illness will not degenerate and I promise to feel kicked in the gut every time i notice or am directed to see it's worsening. I promise to celebrate every good joke, every accomplishment and kindness. I promise to find success in every day because sometimes just surviving the day is worth celebrating. I promise to be fortified and strengthened in gratitude by the angels in our life who fortify us with their kindness, encouragement, faith and love. I promise to keep reaching for grace no matter how frequent I fall short.
Personally, graduating from law school feels surreal and mind blowing. I promise to celebrate it with shock and wonder at myself at the end of April. I promise to cry an complain and stomp my feet as I train for the marathon of the bar exam. Self doubt and fear will be my enemy and I promise to scream loudly in their faces, even when they are in the mirror. I promise to give everything I have inside to pass that bar exam in July. I know that I was called here, pulled here and that same source, calling, pull will drag me through victorious eventually. I promise to be grateful for every prayer, positive thought, offer of forgiveness and patience and blessing that comes my way. I also promise to ignore anybody else's doubt, negative statements, fear and foe to my success.
Standing on the lessons of 2014 I move forward, stronger, ready to take on what may come, what storms may blow, what challenges lay ahead. I will be less social in my bar preparation, I will be more stressed, I will be a little uglier and my house will be a fright. My kids will be neglected and I will be less groomed then my mother would hope and the most I can say is I will try not to smell or offend but that might be the most of it. Those who hang on to our friendship through my neglect and intensity of 2015 are saints and those who let go are practical. I am grateful for it all and look forward to a year from now when I can put it all behind me and stand on the lessons of 2015 with grace and honor. Hope to see you there.
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