Well, it has been awhile. We have had ups and downs with Lex. Who knew that a simple concussion could bring back some of the severe symptoms of mental illness. Apparently any injury or "insult' to the brain makes the brain revert back into the old grooves. That sucked and made us all nervous for awhile. One of our hopes, as soon as I can afford it, is to get a "partial conservation" on Lex so that if he has another severe break I can protect his interests, medically intervene on his behalf, take care of his dog and his car, pay his bills, etc. Well, a partial conservation costs several thousands of dollars and I just don't have that yet. Thank goodness he has stabilized out again *knock wood* and is doing well. No really, he is doing well.
Lex is going to school full time through a Department of Rehab program learning to be a Master Auto Tech. He loves college so much he has re-energized his life long passion to become an automotive engineer. He wants to continue in college and get a degree in mechanical engineering. This was not though possible years ago do the the damage to his brain from his mental illness. I know he world is a fragile place for him but right now, things look very positive. As any special needs family or family of the mentally ill knows, you never breathe out and let your hopes rise too far. We are always ready for what might happen. In that life lesson, I have also learned that whatever comes next always comes from a direction you would never have expected. Hence, genetics.
Yep, now it is his sisters turn. No, not the same but anxiety that is crippling her. I am watching my other child, the one I called in jest my 'redeeming child' become almost non functional with anxiety disorder. The anxiety is not new. She has always had it. What is new is the irrational thoughts coming from this painful problem. My twinkle star, my beautiful girl is tortured by her thoughts. This is one I personally struggle with. I am not a fear based thinker. When I get scared, I come out punching with a "oh hell no" attitude. I have always been extremely independent, maybe stupidly courageous kind of person. I did what had to be done when it had to be done and if I was scared I was able to compartmentalize my fear and focus on the task at hand. I have lived through physical attacks, tornadoes, hurricanes, rode my moped into a mud slide, earth quakes, driven all over the country, travelled abroad and more and fear was not an option. I don't know how to parent this level of anxiety. I don't know where to be tough and where to be tender. I just don't understand it at all.
Thank goodness I have some understanding from my association and work with NAMI. Anxiety is a form of mental illness. It is not her fault. It is not something she can control because if she could, she would. Right? I keep thinking that if I can get my life on track then my kids lives will improve, they will stabilize and feel confident and sure of themselves. My life keeps being the target of a shit storm of weird financial instability, unemployment, etc. All my effort to et that part under control is only so effective. The rest of what my kids deal with is genetics. Nature vs. Nurture, right? I mean, it probably does not help, my anxious unemployed state of being but it probably isn't the whole problem either.
Genetics feels like blame. As any divorced parent would love to say it is all the fault of the other parent we all know that is not helpful. Personally, I get my bad stomach and cold feet from both parents. I get my workaholism from both parents in positive and negative ways. I get my blue eyes from my Dad. I get my tiny lips from my Dad. I get my wit from my Mom. I get my dark and dry humor from my Mom. I get my weight problem from my Dad and my chinless condition from my Mom. It's the genetic card I was dealt. My son probably gets his autistic spectrum from my genetics. There are some mental instabilities in both sides of my kids families that their genetics can pull from and trigger. I remember my ex mother in law taking valium for anxiety on an almost daily basis. I certainly know my ex struggled with some serious issues. I have cousins and aunts who struggled with some issues as well. Let's just say, my girl comes by her anxiety naturally, but not from me directly.
I love my girl. I want her well. I want her to be strong like a warrior. I want her to have healthy fear to not act stupid but healthy courage to be able to walk in the world and be okay. I want my kids to be okay. I just fucking want my kids to be okay. I don't know what more I can do to make that happen on the nurture side. Have I said lately that I hate mental illness? I hate it like leukemia, like cancer, like any chronic fucking illness that limits and threatens the life of anyone but especially my children, my beautiful and amazing children! Fucking genetics. Until medicine knows more, understand more, we are victims to genetic gamble. Roll the dice when breeding happens because you never know what you might get. Victim just ain't my thing.
