It may seem stupid to some but today I am just in shock. It is hard to explain why I am in shock but it is because I passed. I didn't know that I could pass. I hoped I would and I worked hard but I didn't know I could.
You see, so much has happened. I have spent so much time in the chaos of my son's disabilities as his mental illness triggered over a year ago and the suicide attempts began and his craziness blew up like a bug bomb in the kitchen pantry. I have spent so much time throwing out what has been damaged and sorting through the wreckage as I try to keep moving forward, keep him alive, functioning and happy. I have been trying to keep my daughter as damage free as possible while also helping her stay in our new reality. All the while I have been continuing my studies part time in law school.
Most definitely my law school experienced changed as all of this exploded into every aspect of my life. My support network practically disappeared but other types of support came out of the shadows. From clients who deal with similar loved ones feeling free to tell their version of crazy and understand mine, a fairy dog mother who occasionally drops food, clothing or pet supplies at our door and keeps us going with her angelic kindness, a Mom who has risen up to be one of my only true sounding walls in the Universe and a new church community. As isolating as crazy has been it has also been incredibly revealing. Many fell away all of a sudden, many opinions and judgments were launched at us feeling like hand grenades some days or even land mines we need to tip toe around. The landscape in crazy town is very different. There is no way to know what each day will bring and for that matter, the world here can change on a dime and all we can do is be prepared to stay calm, know where our shelters are in case the storm gets too out of control.
And yet, one of my sanity keepers has been law school. I think if I did not have law school during this sleep deprived crazy town shake up I would probably have been swallowed in self pity, overwhelmed, grief. I had something demanding my attention, pulling me out of my head, my grief, my shock and forcing me to take a breath and change my focus. Sometimes I physically had to hold my head in order to focus because I felt like my thoughts were on the verge of implosion...maybe they were. I stopped having faith that I was a good student but I was a student who had tenacity and persevered. Now, as I round the curve in my last year of law school it is time to look at the bar exam. One of the steps to taking the bar exam is the national legal ethics exam called the MPRE.
The timing ont he MPRE couldn't have been more crappy. As the service dog organization I had contracted with and the service dog my son had pinned his hopes and life too crumbled and the chaos of that mess became hours daily of emails, phone calls and worry the MPRE loomed in front of me and immediately following the date of that exam were my final exams for the trimester I was currently attending. I insisted upon this date though because if, by chance, I did not pass this exam I would have yet one more try at it before I was too deep in the muck of bar exam prep and I wanted that cushion. I launched into my studies for this exam through all the chaos, the Crazytown storms and so on. The form of questions for this exam are my mental nemesis and my score was wretched. One day I would have a passing score on the practice exams and the next day I would bomb it. I read, practiced, studied, listened to lectures, podcasts, anything and everything to help me.
I took the exam with accommodations for my visual impairment which threw me for a bit. I listened to a cd of the questions and the answer choices and then circled my answer. It was truly the first time I learned to close my eyes and just listen. I have always tried to read and listen but with the degeneration of my vision the two together were creating almost a static in my brain. The questions were hard, confusing and so many of them I just laughed at and circled an answer in a "whatever!!!!" type of thought process thinking as I walked out of the exam...I have no flippin' idea how I did on that. There were so few question I actually thought I understood and was clear on the answer choice. I was pretty sure that my brain was now completely destroyed and that Crazytown had rotted my potential. I thought I had no chance in hell at passing the bar and finishing law school was really just an exercise in stubbornness. I had resigned to the thought of if I passed it would be by the grace of God and if I fail I will continue to take it and the bar until I pass just out of spite-just so cCazytown will not win. I walked out and let it go.
This morning I got my score on the MPRE and I not only passed, I ACED it.
Ok...I got my kids out the door to school and all of a sudden started crying. The last year and a half flashed before my eyes, the pain, the fear, the ER, the psychiatrist appointments and the constant bad news, the torture in my boy and the fear in my girl and my feeling of utter helplessness and confusion. I couldn't breathe for a few minutes as all of it swarmed my brain and I stopped on one point of truth...I passed. Through all of that I persevered and did well? I may still have redeeming qualities in me yet. I might be more then all of this pain. I might be more then parenting successes and failures, crazy kids, botched service dog organizations and I might actually be ok. I ACED it. By the grace of God I ACED it.
This is exactly what I needed as I move towards the bar exam and towards graduating and wondering what in the world am I doing, visually impaired, mayor of Crazytown and not even able to find time to do my hair or wear make up. I might be ok. To quote a song I grew up believing and admired, "she might just make it after all." Unlike Mary Richards I do not want a husband...I want a life. I want happiness and to help people and to affect change for the better in my world. Thank you God for giving me this nudge...this gift. I ACED it. By the grace of God, I ACED it. By the grace of God I go forward. I celebrate my small victory.
No comments:
Post a Comment