Well, it is time to leave another year behind. In so many ways this has been a year I do not want to forget. I have learned a lot this year. Top on my gratitude list for 2014 is that there was not one suicide attempt. My prayer is that those are a thing of the past. No mental hospitalizations and no 5150's. The family has found new hope and support through a church community that the children chose and feel very accepted and committed to be apart. We have had ups and downs and all arounds with each kid as the grow through adolescence. Overall I am extremely proud of my kids as they have grown, chosen to overcome obstacles by bravery, compassion and strength.
We now have Mickey, Lexi's service dog, with us and he is a spiritual appendage to my son that gives him strength he didn't know he had. Mickey makes all of us smile and when the intense storms blow through, Mickey intuitively hangs on and helps wherever he is able. He is a true member of our family. Up there near the top of my gratitude list! My son smiles on a regular bases now...I didn't know his face worked that way! What a beautiful smile he has!
Both kids have been successful at public high school. This has not been without some great life lessons for each of them but the biggest lesson is to keep showing up and get the work done. Isn't that a hard one for the grown ups as well. Knowing their struggles, my heart bursts with pride watching them persevere.
I have been told by some that I am different now. Taking stock on time and place I would have to agree. I started law school in 2011 and my son was young, mental illness had not triggered, my daughter was finishing 5th grade. I had a different perspective on life and my part in it. Today, I understand more about how little I can control and how strong I really am. I also have learned that most people, well intended, have opinions that they know very little about. Most opinions turn into judgments and those judgments are isolating and stigmatizing. My bruises from this realization are healing but I no longer dance around the straight up. Maya Angelo said that people will show you who they really are...believe them. I do.
I also have seen who I really am...believe me. I am loving, compassionate and enduring. My loyalty is direct and steadfast but my tolerance for misinformation, ignorance, judgments and stigmatization is gone. Allowing those things to befuddle me only is a waste of time and energy of which I have little to spare. I am more direct now and to the point. Whether others understand or not I know that I have hit places of pain I could never have imagined and kept breathing. I white knuckle hope and prayer that very few could ever understand sometimes making it one minute at a time, one day at a time and hold outs for a productive and healthy future for my children. I could never ever explain that to anyone and, for the most part, have stopped trying.
Somehow the resolve in it all keeps me going. The questions have faded, the shock has faded, the search for a fix or a cure has faded and the acceptance of faith gets me out of bed in the morning, keeps me breathing and gives me strength to weather the storms, the good days and the future.
2015 holds challenges ahead. I will keep praying that my son's mental illness will not degenerate and I promise to feel kicked in the gut every time i notice or am directed to see it's worsening. I promise to celebrate every good joke, every accomplishment and kindness. I promise to find success in every day because sometimes just surviving the day is worth celebrating. I promise to be fortified and strengthened in gratitude by the angels in our life who fortify us with their kindness, encouragement, faith and love. I promise to keep reaching for grace no matter how frequent I fall short.
Personally, graduating from law school feels surreal and mind blowing. I promise to celebrate it with shock and wonder at myself at the end of April. I promise to cry an complain and stomp my feet as I train for the marathon of the bar exam. Self doubt and fear will be my enemy and I promise to scream loudly in their faces, even when they are in the mirror. I promise to give everything I have inside to pass that bar exam in July. I know that I was called here, pulled here and that same source, calling, pull will drag me through victorious eventually. I promise to be grateful for every prayer, positive thought, offer of forgiveness and patience and blessing that comes my way. I also promise to ignore anybody else's doubt, negative statements, fear and foe to my success.
Standing on the lessons of 2014 I move forward, stronger, ready to take on what may come, what storms may blow, what challenges lay ahead. I will be less social in my bar preparation, I will be more stressed, I will be a little uglier and my house will be a fright. My kids will be neglected and I will be less groomed then my mother would hope and the most I can say is I will try not to smell or offend but that might be the most of it. Those who hang on to our friendship through my neglect and intensity of 2015 are saints and those who let go are practical. I am grateful for it all and look forward to a year from now when I can put it all behind me and stand on the lessons of 2015 with grace and honor. Hope to see you there.
Showing posts with label 60 Minutes Mental Health. Show all posts
Showing posts with label 60 Minutes Mental Health. Show all posts
Wednesday, December 31, 2014
Sunday, July 27, 2014
The Road to Bring Mickey Home
Well, it has been a while since I last blogged and there are lots of reasons for that, not all of which I will go in to but some of which I feel needs explaining.
As many/most of you know we contracted with an organization last fall to help Lexi get an autism service dog. I had done my due diligence in researching organizations and needed one that would not only address autism but psychiatric issues as well. We began our fundraising and have been blessed by our community and friends coming out and helping us raise over $13,500. We completed our fundraising in early May and were told that our dog, Mickey would be moving to advanced training no later then early June.
Around this time, the organization began having some trouble which seeped like stink into many of the families lives and affecting our fundraising abilities, our support for our journeys and our kids. In my opinion and from my limited perspective there seem to have been some mismanagement issues in general with the organization and maybe with some of these issues. I don't really want to stir up stink because, frankly I don't want to know more...I just wanted to keep my kid alive and get him his dog. I was and still am very sad for all who are affected by their negative experiences and hurt by any of what has happened and I have asked for prayers to surround all of us, including the owners, managers, trainers and even lawyers involved on all sides of these issues.
As the negative statements started to fly, Lexi began to panic and lose hope that we would ever see Mickey in our home. Mickey was his only hope at times and the fading of that hope allowed the darkness to come back to my son. As the change of schedules from school to summer break came on, Lex fought the darkness but it had a choke hold on him. Mickey did not advance to his task training as planned and we were told to be patient and allow another month. When the next month had passed and still he had not passed into his next phase of training I finally asked if our dog was being delayed because of legal troubles and without going into details, the answer was yes.
The organization announce that they were not able to resolve the issues at hand and would be dissolving and this of course sent Lexi in to a panic. We lost contact with the organization itself and began our many communications with their lawyer. Rumors, negative statements, name calling and blame throwing seemed to hover around like a dark cloud to our cause and I really wanted to keep cutting through it to stay with the facts, the important issue of where is our dog and how do we get him moved forward or in to our possession.
After a great deal of work finding and keeping to the facts and staying out of the focus of blame or negative chatter we were blessed to be able to transport our dog from his amazing puppy raisers to the advanced trainer with guarantees that he would get his training completed and be placed with Lexi. While our sweet Mickey had some holes in his training he had an awesome foundation with our puppy raisers and is an amazing dog who is so willing to learn and please that did not have far to go in his advanced training. We did not need some of the more complicated skills like tethering so the trainer felt that Mickey would be a quick learner and able to be certified with his basic SD skills within two weeks.
The trainers facility was really nice and peaceful and all the dogs seemed to just hang out together in these big yards, relaxed, happy and calm. We watched as they did some basic work with Mickey and they were direct and focused but quick to praise him and engage with him celebrating any success he had. I felt very confident leaving Mickey in their capable hands.
Shortly thereafter, the lawyer called with more difficulties and as the first week went forward it was then announced that the organization would be filing bankruptcy. I was encouraged to speak with the trainer and see if she would still be able to complete our dogs training and certify him but if she did it would be without the backing of the organization. At this point, I gotta tell you, it just felt like we were in this long, slow moving train wreck and every time we thought we could breathe out more started to snap and crack and damage just kept happening.
Speaking with the trainer who had become so overwhelmed she felt like she just needed to release the dogs as they were and that I'd need to come get our dog as soon as possible. Completely understanding her perspective, which is not completely my business to disclose all here, I agreed to come get Mickey as soon as we could make the trip. She promised to continue to work him until we arrived and if he could pass his basic service dog skills she would still be able to certify him even without the organization's backing. She has that ability and capacity so I trusted her opinion and hoped upon hope that Mickey would be able to pass.
And so we made our journey to pick up Mickey...my stomach in knots hoping for our certification and remembering to have faith in Gods plan, even if it wasn't my plan. Lex had struggled with his anxiety and darkness and I just knew that if we did not get Mickey we would be back in mental hospitals if not worse. We arrived at the training facility and once again were greeted with a swarm of relaxed happy labs. One of the trainers brought Mickey to us and showed us all the tasks she was working on and how to continue our work. Mickey passed his basic service dog certification and we were given release forms and paperwork and instructed on how to help Mickey strengthen and solidify his skills. I know the trainer was in a hard position and she worked very hard to make sure that Mickey was/is the best dog for my son that he can be.
We are setting up with a trainer locally to help Lexi learn how to work with Mickey and finish some of the advanced service dog training tasks. Mickey is a perfect gentleman in public and immediately bonded with Lexi,. They LOVE one another. I have never seen my son smile so much in his whole life. Mickey lays his head on his lap and stares up at my boy keeping his eye on his forever boy waiting for whatever comes next relaxing into their connection. I watch the two together and know that every step of this journey, bumps, scrapes, bruises and sleepless nights were worth it to see that smile, to see his hope return and to know that tonight...I don't have to worry about suicide attempts, his anxiety or panic attacks, his feeling isolated or alone because Mickey has given him purpose, hope, direction and a friend.
I KNOW that as this train wreck has happened to our family we were in the part of the train that got the least amount of damage as we have survived with our dog while MANY are not able to get their dogs because either puppy raisers are too afraid to hand them over to the trainer not knowing who to trust or because they do not want to take the dog untrained "as is" for very understandable reasons or some who just simply can't get the money or time to make the trip to retrieve their dogs even thought they have fully paid/raised their funds and deserve their autism service dogs or seizure alert dogs or diabetic alert dogs or whatever their service dog was going to do to save the life of their child. While my heart cries with joy as I watch my son smile it is crushed for those who are more damaged in the wreckage of this organization. Yes, there are probably several to blame, name and be angry at but my job is not to figure that out. I do not want to get involved in any of that and trust the lawyers to sort through the wreckage and find the truth as best they are able and hold the guilty responsible. I pray for them, for the families hurt, for the dogs, for the trainers and for the children.
Tonight I celebrate our journey and am so grateful for Mickey, the organization who brought him to us (no matter what condition they are in now-they still brought us Mickey), the psychiatric crisis team who suggested we begin this journey, all the family, friends and strangers who supported us and my son for having faith through the darkness. Yes, we have work to do but we work with joy in our hearts and gratitude. No matter what bumps we have tripped on or been bruised by in passing...we still made it to this point and gratitude is so much more healing. Thank you God. Thank you ALL. We will continue our journey, share our work and accomplishments and ups and downs with all those who have supported us. We welcome all prayers and support. Support ONLY please. We fight darkness with light and love and gratitude. We look forward to sharing more light. Thank you.
As many/most of you know we contracted with an organization last fall to help Lexi get an autism service dog. I had done my due diligence in researching organizations and needed one that would not only address autism but psychiatric issues as well. We began our fundraising and have been blessed by our community and friends coming out and helping us raise over $13,500. We completed our fundraising in early May and were told that our dog, Mickey would be moving to advanced training no later then early June.
Around this time, the organization began having some trouble which seeped like stink into many of the families lives and affecting our fundraising abilities, our support for our journeys and our kids. In my opinion and from my limited perspective there seem to have been some mismanagement issues in general with the organization and maybe with some of these issues. I don't really want to stir up stink because, frankly I don't want to know more...I just wanted to keep my kid alive and get him his dog. I was and still am very sad for all who are affected by their negative experiences and hurt by any of what has happened and I have asked for prayers to surround all of us, including the owners, managers, trainers and even lawyers involved on all sides of these issues.
As the negative statements started to fly, Lexi began to panic and lose hope that we would ever see Mickey in our home. Mickey was his only hope at times and the fading of that hope allowed the darkness to come back to my son. As the change of schedules from school to summer break came on, Lex fought the darkness but it had a choke hold on him. Mickey did not advance to his task training as planned and we were told to be patient and allow another month. When the next month had passed and still he had not passed into his next phase of training I finally asked if our dog was being delayed because of legal troubles and without going into details, the answer was yes.
The organization announce that they were not able to resolve the issues at hand and would be dissolving and this of course sent Lexi in to a panic. We lost contact with the organization itself and began our many communications with their lawyer. Rumors, negative statements, name calling and blame throwing seemed to hover around like a dark cloud to our cause and I really wanted to keep cutting through it to stay with the facts, the important issue of where is our dog and how do we get him moved forward or in to our possession.
After a great deal of work finding and keeping to the facts and staying out of the focus of blame or negative chatter we were blessed to be able to transport our dog from his amazing puppy raisers to the advanced trainer with guarantees that he would get his training completed and be placed with Lexi. While our sweet Mickey had some holes in his training he had an awesome foundation with our puppy raisers and is an amazing dog who is so willing to learn and please that did not have far to go in his advanced training. We did not need some of the more complicated skills like tethering so the trainer felt that Mickey would be a quick learner and able to be certified with his basic SD skills within two weeks.
The trainers facility was really nice and peaceful and all the dogs seemed to just hang out together in these big yards, relaxed, happy and calm. We watched as they did some basic work with Mickey and they were direct and focused but quick to praise him and engage with him celebrating any success he had. I felt very confident leaving Mickey in their capable hands.
Shortly thereafter, the lawyer called with more difficulties and as the first week went forward it was then announced that the organization would be filing bankruptcy. I was encouraged to speak with the trainer and see if she would still be able to complete our dogs training and certify him but if she did it would be without the backing of the organization. At this point, I gotta tell you, it just felt like we were in this long, slow moving train wreck and every time we thought we could breathe out more started to snap and crack and damage just kept happening.
Speaking with the trainer who had become so overwhelmed she felt like she just needed to release the dogs as they were and that I'd need to come get our dog as soon as possible. Completely understanding her perspective, which is not completely my business to disclose all here, I agreed to come get Mickey as soon as we could make the trip. She promised to continue to work him until we arrived and if he could pass his basic service dog skills she would still be able to certify him even without the organization's backing. She has that ability and capacity so I trusted her opinion and hoped upon hope that Mickey would be able to pass.
And so we made our journey to pick up Mickey...my stomach in knots hoping for our certification and remembering to have faith in Gods plan, even if it wasn't my plan. Lex had struggled with his anxiety and darkness and I just knew that if we did not get Mickey we would be back in mental hospitals if not worse. We arrived at the training facility and once again were greeted with a swarm of relaxed happy labs. One of the trainers brought Mickey to us and showed us all the tasks she was working on and how to continue our work. Mickey passed his basic service dog certification and we were given release forms and paperwork and instructed on how to help Mickey strengthen and solidify his skills. I know the trainer was in a hard position and she worked very hard to make sure that Mickey was/is the best dog for my son that he can be.
I KNOW that as this train wreck has happened to our family we were in the part of the train that got the least amount of damage as we have survived with our dog while MANY are not able to get their dogs because either puppy raisers are too afraid to hand them over to the trainer not knowing who to trust or because they do not want to take the dog untrained "as is" for very understandable reasons or some who just simply can't get the money or time to make the trip to retrieve their dogs even thought they have fully paid/raised their funds and deserve their autism service dogs or seizure alert dogs or diabetic alert dogs or whatever their service dog was going to do to save the life of their child. While my heart cries with joy as I watch my son smile it is crushed for those who are more damaged in the wreckage of this organization. Yes, there are probably several to blame, name and be angry at but my job is not to figure that out. I do not want to get involved in any of that and trust the lawyers to sort through the wreckage and find the truth as best they are able and hold the guilty responsible. I pray for them, for the families hurt, for the dogs, for the trainers and for the children.
Tonight I celebrate our journey and am so grateful for Mickey, the organization who brought him to us (no matter what condition they are in now-they still brought us Mickey), the psychiatric crisis team who suggested we begin this journey, all the family, friends and strangers who supported us and my son for having faith through the darkness. Yes, we have work to do but we work with joy in our hearts and gratitude. No matter what bumps we have tripped on or been bruised by in passing...we still made it to this point and gratitude is so much more healing. Thank you God. Thank you ALL. We will continue our journey, share our work and accomplishments and ups and downs with all those who have supported us. We welcome all prayers and support. Support ONLY please. We fight darkness with light and love and gratitude. We look forward to sharing more light. Thank you.
Monday, January 27, 2014
My Two Cents and my Own Casserole
Last night 60 minutes ran a story of tragedy that daringly exposes some of the broken pieces our mental health system has become and I have the link here: http://www.cbsnews.com/news/mentally-ill-youth-in-crisis/ . This man deserves your time to watch his story and his son deserves our conversations about it. Further down the page is a 60 Minutes Overtime segment where the interviewer and producers are interviewed regarding the deeper issues that they saw. It is that interview that really spoke to me. It is about the stigma of mental illness.
I have written in my blogs about the stigma of mental illness as we have been on this journey and I have written about one of my ER visits with no beds available so my son sat in the hallway on a gurney for 26 hours. I have written about the casserole phenomenon where churches and friends bring casseroles for the sick, broken body parts, cancer, heart disease, etc but nobody comes for mental illness or autism. While my son has been in and out of the mental hospitals in our local area and I have sat for hours, even days in the ER waiting for him to get a psych bed, only one family takes my daughter in and nobody else calls, brings food, offers to give her rides or even a hug. My own church at the time basically ignored my cries for help as my questions to God swirled in my sleepless insanity and my physical health held on like a thread.
I have friends who care for a sick or elderly loved one and think it is comparable but unless that sick or elderly loved one might kill you in your sleep or themselves, you have no idea. That statement to me is as stupid as a woman saying she understands what it is like to be a single parent when her husband travelled for a week away from the home...really??? These statements are made with the best of intentions and slightest effort to reach out and understand. I give them credit for what they are worth.
One of the points I want to follow up on is a furtherance to the interviews here. At one point the producers said that they have young children who freak out and "tantrum" but this goes beyond that. It is truly hard for people to understand how this goes beyond a "tantrum". A regular tantrum can be dealt with rationally, the kid will come around when rationality hits them. When you need to take something away or behavior modification techniques are successful then you have a kid that can be dealt with. The mentally ill are not rational. Seriously, this is huge. Sometimes you can crack in to the crazy and get them to calm down or use a different part of their brain which can reduce the neurological storm but there are many times that this can not be reached. I tell my daughter, it is like talking to a meth addict when they are on meth. Don't try to rationalize, parent, manipulate, behaviorally modify or reason with the mentally ill having a "flare up" or unbalanced moment. Most of the time it is finding a coping strategy to wait it out with the hope of some sort of intervening medication to kick in, if you can get them to take it.
The interview speaks of the holes in the wall, the physical damage done by the mentally ill. Yep, that's all real. I know folks who have had "rough" teens that have similar damage. My family and I were asked to leave our last place we rented due to my son's behavior and the damage he caused. His irrational and "quirky" behaviors, the holes through walls and doors, windows broken, etc are unattractive to most and sure makes a gal hard pressed to take pride in her home and family. We live in shame just based on our physical environment sometimes. I certainly don't invite folks over and always feel embarrassed if someone "drops by" but I have to let it go and use my great excuse of being a part time law student to make me feel better. The truth is, if I were not in law school I'd probably be driven crazy by the condition of my home...I'm a clean and organized person who used to love to have folks over and took great pride in my home...I had to let that go a while ago. I am humble in my coping strategy for sanity.
My son's latest break through of his meds as his bipolar worsens left me with a psych doc appointment like a punch in the gut...he's basically doing no academics anymore, he burrows in his room and getting him out to interact with the world requires greater force then a crow bar. The psych doc once again told me to lay off, "he is not normal, he will never be normal, he will not have a normal life and if he is happy then leave him alone.: For 15 years of autism training I was taught to help him fit in to the world, into normal. Now I have to let him rot, stew in his stink in order to alleviate stress. A happy brain degenerates slower then a stressed brain and slowing down the degeneration of mental illness and the psychotic breaks that follow does less damage then him not learning geometry or having "appropriate" social interactions.
Seems so weird and hard to calibrate to and understand. The psych doc held her arms up and spread her hands as wide as they could go and told me, "his autism and mental illness is HUGE to handle". I was not caffeinated enough at the moment to keep both hands in scope...I'm not sure the hand gesture demonstration was completely necessary...but maybe...I'm kind of thick. Maybe she caught a mental illness autistic fish "THIS BIG"! I'm not sure what my role is here...keeping him happy? He barely participates in chores, life, anything...do I allow that? If I am normal, how do I speak the language of "not normal". Isn't that like asking a parent to suddenly learn french because there child can no longer speak english?
I know that an autism service dog will help drag him back in to the world but the wait is long and the journey a rough one to raise money. Try raising 12,500 while working, doing law school, managing crazy town with autism and all the psych, therapy, doc and school appointments that go along with it (not to mention the large amount of trees sacrificed to document this journey with all of these services and forces of "care"). My son needs 24 hour supervision and is only in school 2 days a week because he can not handle any more. Then add in the sib of it all and her challenges and break downs...and she has plenty, believe me. God has humbled me to my knees so many times they are bruised but I don't stop praying. We have lost friends and family members along the way but those that step up are valued even more. I'm not sure where to look for hope so I just hold my hands open wide.
I make my own casseroles and have stopped attending my old church. Nobody really can understand unless they have lived it. Nobody could possibly understand what it is to watch a child that has grown up the same age as your child thriving and excelling and smiling with pride for that child and a crushed heart for your own wondering why oh why God would torture your child/family and bless another. I white knuckle faith and speak out as often as I am able to help break down the stigma and the fear and to help educate anyone who gives a damn. I stay on vigilant suicide watch and ready to kill the buzz of mania at any given moment. I manage sensory overload and "stemming" teen and try to find every opportunity to educate his rational moments with social appropriate behavior and care. I hug the sibling and try with all my heart to give her confidence in my strength and int he world as she walks on shaky ground each day. I am not victim to my son's "temper tantrums" but an advocate for my son's autism and mental illness. I am advocate for my families right to be a apart of the world and redefine "normal". This is my two cents added on to the 60 Minutes story from last night.
I have written in my blogs about the stigma of mental illness as we have been on this journey and I have written about one of my ER visits with no beds available so my son sat in the hallway on a gurney for 26 hours. I have written about the casserole phenomenon where churches and friends bring casseroles for the sick, broken body parts, cancer, heart disease, etc but nobody comes for mental illness or autism. While my son has been in and out of the mental hospitals in our local area and I have sat for hours, even days in the ER waiting for him to get a psych bed, only one family takes my daughter in and nobody else calls, brings food, offers to give her rides or even a hug. My own church at the time basically ignored my cries for help as my questions to God swirled in my sleepless insanity and my physical health held on like a thread.
I have friends who care for a sick or elderly loved one and think it is comparable but unless that sick or elderly loved one might kill you in your sleep or themselves, you have no idea. That statement to me is as stupid as a woman saying she understands what it is like to be a single parent when her husband travelled for a week away from the home...really??? These statements are made with the best of intentions and slightest effort to reach out and understand. I give them credit for what they are worth.
One of the points I want to follow up on is a furtherance to the interviews here. At one point the producers said that they have young children who freak out and "tantrum" but this goes beyond that. It is truly hard for people to understand how this goes beyond a "tantrum". A regular tantrum can be dealt with rationally, the kid will come around when rationality hits them. When you need to take something away or behavior modification techniques are successful then you have a kid that can be dealt with. The mentally ill are not rational. Seriously, this is huge. Sometimes you can crack in to the crazy and get them to calm down or use a different part of their brain which can reduce the neurological storm but there are many times that this can not be reached. I tell my daughter, it is like talking to a meth addict when they are on meth. Don't try to rationalize, parent, manipulate, behaviorally modify or reason with the mentally ill having a "flare up" or unbalanced moment. Most of the time it is finding a coping strategy to wait it out with the hope of some sort of intervening medication to kick in, if you can get them to take it.
The interview speaks of the holes in the wall, the physical damage done by the mentally ill. Yep, that's all real. I know folks who have had "rough" teens that have similar damage. My family and I were asked to leave our last place we rented due to my son's behavior and the damage he caused. His irrational and "quirky" behaviors, the holes through walls and doors, windows broken, etc are unattractive to most and sure makes a gal hard pressed to take pride in her home and family. We live in shame just based on our physical environment sometimes. I certainly don't invite folks over and always feel embarrassed if someone "drops by" but I have to let it go and use my great excuse of being a part time law student to make me feel better. The truth is, if I were not in law school I'd probably be driven crazy by the condition of my home...I'm a clean and organized person who used to love to have folks over and took great pride in my home...I had to let that go a while ago. I am humble in my coping strategy for sanity.
My son's latest break through of his meds as his bipolar worsens left me with a psych doc appointment like a punch in the gut...he's basically doing no academics anymore, he burrows in his room and getting him out to interact with the world requires greater force then a crow bar. The psych doc once again told me to lay off, "he is not normal, he will never be normal, he will not have a normal life and if he is happy then leave him alone.: For 15 years of autism training I was taught to help him fit in to the world, into normal. Now I have to let him rot, stew in his stink in order to alleviate stress. A happy brain degenerates slower then a stressed brain and slowing down the degeneration of mental illness and the psychotic breaks that follow does less damage then him not learning geometry or having "appropriate" social interactions.
Seems so weird and hard to calibrate to and understand. The psych doc held her arms up and spread her hands as wide as they could go and told me, "his autism and mental illness is HUGE to handle". I was not caffeinated enough at the moment to keep both hands in scope...I'm not sure the hand gesture demonstration was completely necessary...but maybe...I'm kind of thick. Maybe she caught a mental illness autistic fish "THIS BIG"! I'm not sure what my role is here...keeping him happy? He barely participates in chores, life, anything...do I allow that? If I am normal, how do I speak the language of "not normal". Isn't that like asking a parent to suddenly learn french because there child can no longer speak english?
I know that an autism service dog will help drag him back in to the world but the wait is long and the journey a rough one to raise money. Try raising 12,500 while working, doing law school, managing crazy town with autism and all the psych, therapy, doc and school appointments that go along with it (not to mention the large amount of trees sacrificed to document this journey with all of these services and forces of "care"). My son needs 24 hour supervision and is only in school 2 days a week because he can not handle any more. Then add in the sib of it all and her challenges and break downs...and she has plenty, believe me. God has humbled me to my knees so many times they are bruised but I don't stop praying. We have lost friends and family members along the way but those that step up are valued even more. I'm not sure where to look for hope so I just hold my hands open wide.
I make my own casseroles and have stopped attending my old church. Nobody really can understand unless they have lived it. Nobody could possibly understand what it is to watch a child that has grown up the same age as your child thriving and excelling and smiling with pride for that child and a crushed heart for your own wondering why oh why God would torture your child/family and bless another. I white knuckle faith and speak out as often as I am able to help break down the stigma and the fear and to help educate anyone who gives a damn. I stay on vigilant suicide watch and ready to kill the buzz of mania at any given moment. I manage sensory overload and "stemming" teen and try to find every opportunity to educate his rational moments with social appropriate behavior and care. I hug the sibling and try with all my heart to give her confidence in my strength and int he world as she walks on shaky ground each day. I am not victim to my son's "temper tantrums" but an advocate for my son's autism and mental illness. I am advocate for my families right to be a apart of the world and redefine "normal". This is my two cents added on to the 60 Minutes story from last night.
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