DAMN!

8 weeks. We had 8 weeks of relative stability.  8 weeks.  I almost started to breathe out.  I almost had found hope.  Don't get me wrong, it isn't awful.  Nobody is bleeding and there has not been a visit to the ER and there is no suicide attempts.  For these facts I am grateful.  I think it is possible to be grateful and really bummed simultaneously.  The trick is which one do you focus on, right?

You see, the crazy has come back.  The mania.  Although he is steady on his meds, he seems to have busted through the current dose.  DAMN!  I mean really...DAMN!  Of course I called the psych doc and she up'd the dose of the mood stabilizer...but it isn't quite stabilizing him.  DAMN!  The racing thoughts, the pacing, the loud volume and rambling talking, the bizarre behaviors (although his autism has trained me well in bizarro) the irritability, intensity, jumpiness, overwhelm and his constant declaration of happiness. "I'm on a BUZZZ!"  How I wish I could be happy for him because he feels good.  It crushes my heart.

You see the options are twofold: 1. He has acclimated to the meds and we just needed to up the dose to meet his new level. 2. His condition is worsening underneath all the medicine and we needed to up the dose to meet the new level of mental illness.  Sadly, I ascertain it is the latter because if it were the first one, he would have calmed down upon raising the medication.  DAMN.

So where do I focus...well, I suppose I just keep breathing and being grateful to stay out of the ER and that there has only been intense mania and no fall...yet.  You see, that's the trick...what goes up must come down.  He's no longer rapid cycling-yay medicine-but he is on a cycle that even the new dose of meds can't seem to stop-boo. The mania is notice...it is notice that a fall is eminent, that impulsivity is the norm and that the mental illness continues to "unfold" to quote the psych doc.  DAMN!

So what is the lesson? Do what I can today, right now, enjoy today, work today, participate in today because tomorrow might get so crazy that I won't be able to work, focus, participate or enjoy it.  Procrastination is the enemy of living in crazy town.  Survival is found in embracing the moment for all it is worth.  I can be grateful and bummed simultaneously.  DAMN!