Unclench

After my son's latest psych doc visit we have adjusted when he takes his meds and cut one medication dosage in half. This has shifted a few things for us. The meds tend to make Lexi drowsy and create more of a challenge to focusing so putting the Lion's share of them at night has created more energy for him during the day.  This is fantastic for focus at school. He is actually engaging more in his academics and feeling more hope about school.  It also means that at night he does actually get that drowsy sleepy feeling and has been going to sleep on his own somewhere between 10-12.  My son has not slept well since he was five. Since he went into high school it has gotten significantly worse winding up last year with a 7 week insomnia track that ended with a psych hospitalization. Honestly, for him to get 4-5 hours of sleep a night was miraculous. For the last three nights he is getting 8-10 hours of sleep.

Since the addition of the new med, Fanapt, his symptoms have diminished, the rages have stopped, the suicidal threats have disappeared and there has been no self harm and all hallucinations have basically left.  As I said in an earlier post, it seems as though the darkness that gripped him has let up.  The doctor said that the Fanapt not only addresses the hallucinations but it also addresses that clinical depression and suicidal side of his mental illness. The Lamictal is supposed to help level out his moods, which it has for a great part and the Geodon is a cousin to the Fanapt but wasn't really doing the trick and is the med we are cutting in half to see what role it actually plays in the cocktail anymore.  However, the new med does not address the mania.  Lamictal is not fantastic at stopping the mania either. So now I have a kid who has been getting some good sleep and is no longer drowsy during the day and instead paces and talks A LOT telling me all the things he is looking forward to.  The list includes holidays, gifts, money, jobs, cars, movies to make, foods he will eat, and so on and so on.  His stemming is beginning to drive me crazy, he walks around tapping a golf club on the floor every where he goes.  For the first time in a while he has some energy to burn and has forgotten ( like any good teen ) how to put that energy to good use and instead walks around bored and stemming and telling me about all that he "can't wait for...".

Don't get me wrong, I am grateful for the progress.  Improvements are improvements and I am so glad he is hopeful and has energy and is not using it to plot suicide. What I am noticing as I unclench during the day is that I have this overwhelming sense of exhaustion.  I am fatigued all the time now.  I suppose now that I can let go of some adrenal based responses my body is now finally feeling tired. Holy crap am I tired.  I have so much trouble focusing, even my vision is blurry.  I have been tired before, I did summer stock and turned shows over in 48 hours, I have pulled all nighters in college and law school. I have toured with an acoustic folk rock band. I have raised two kids up all night with screaming babies. Never have I felt this fatigued. It is quite a phenomenon for me.  I just want to lay in my bed and stare for hours, maybe even days.

Here's a riddle, why then can't I sleep.  As I lay here tonight, hearing my son snore loud and steady above my head in his own room, sleeping sound...why can I not pass out and sleep???  I lay here and my chest tightens, my muscles twitch and I feel like I can not get enough oxygen.  There are moments I wonder if I am having a heart attack. My mind won't stop. As exhausted as I am during the day, I can not sleep.  I still hear every sound and I stay aware of every movement.

For those who do not know I have a version of juvenile macular degeneration called Stargardts Disease. I am not blind from it but it is a visual impairment. One of the symptoms is that my eyes adjust to the change in light ten time slower then a typical eye.  When I turn out the lights at night everything is so pitch black for awhile I sometimes freak out and wonder if my vision will return and if my degenerated retina cells will receive the low level light rays bouncing around my home and through my window from the moon.  I sometimes have to force my eyes closed and stop looking for the light and breathe, relax and remember to have faith. Sure enough my eyes begin to respond to the low levels of light and I can see my surroundings ever so slightly again. I breathe easier and feel more grounded.

Where is my faith to help me sleep and function? I am not there yet. I am not adjusting yet.  When I go to try to workout, after about a half hour my face just starts to leak and I get embarrassed and stop.  Although i am taking alternative remedies to help my anxiety and acute low feelings about what is happening-because, ya know...this has kind of been a huge bummer-I still feel like I am unable to breathe most of the time.  Where is the wisdom to just shut my eyes and have faith?  Perhaps I need to do that now, close my eyes and remember to have faith.  Let myself adjust to the new levels of meds, adrenaline, low level mania constantly pacing and thumping around through my days and have faith that no matter what I can breathe.

In all honesty, I am just not there yet. I do not have faith that at any second I will not have to jump out of bed and figure out how to manage a life threatening crisis. I do not have faith that the meds are holding. I do not have faith that my heart won't break and I won't fall apart into a million pieces that can't be put back together. I do not have faith that my son won't fall apart into a million pieces that I can't put back together. How can I close my eyes when I am searching so so hard for the light, any light to ground myself and know where I am in the dark space around me?  This blog sounds whiny and disgusting but it is honestly how I feel.  In the dark, trying to breathe and unclench.  I was hoping writing about it would help me "get it out" of my head so I could sleep...not yet. Maybe if I clench my eyes closed like when someone is making a wish...when someone is wishing really really hard.